MUSINGS OF AN NYU FRESHMAN
BY KYLE KOZMAN
This week's topic: Chaos in the Coffee House
Last Friday night, as I was strolling down Astor Place and taking in the crisp post-rain night, I realised that what I needed to make it a perfect moment was a nice steaming cup of coffee. Luckily for me, I live in corporate America, where you see a Starbucks more often than Pamela Anderson sees her plastic surgeon (not that anyone's complaining about the latter).
So I walk over to the Starbucks which is, coincidentally, one block away, and queue up to grab a quick cup of coffee. Now you have to understand that when I say a quick cup of coffee, I mean it. I want to get in, get caffeinated, and get out, so I can continue enjoying my night.
Here's where the problem arose -- the person in front of me just happened to be what I like to refer to as a "Starbucks Snob." You see, for a truly adept Starbucks Snob, ordering coffee can take longer than reaching an orgasm (granted, they might actually get more pleasure out of the coffee) and has become some sort of cult ritual for them.
This girl in front of me, who couldn't have been more than 20 years old, decides that tonight she wants something special -- not just any old cup of coffee, no ... a cup of coffee custom-tailored for her exact needs. She stares up at the menu for a moment (as if the verbal diarrhea she's about to spew actually appears on the menu anywhere) and then turns to the barista and orders.
The following Starbucks order is quoted verbatim: a grande, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free, double- shot, extra-foam, no-whip, pumpkin-spice latte -- with extra cinnamon.
Now, I'm not normally one to judge -- oh, wait, yes I am -- but this is ridiculous; Faulkner is less verbose than this drink order! She nonchalantly rummages through her clutch for a credit card, as if her order was nothing special, and hands the barista a credit card; the total comes to $4.74.
Really? If I were behind that counter, I'd have charged The Snob a freaking processing fee or something.
After she finally finishes her order and I get my coffee, a venti mocha latte (was that so hard?), I walk back outside to enjoy my drink and my night. As I walk away, I can't help but wonder: would The Snob *really* notice if they gave her full decaf? Or if they used 2% instead of skim? For that matter, when you have that many addendums on your drink order, can you even remember what you should notice?
I shake my head, sip my latte, and start to walk home, wishing the entire way that people could realise how ridiculous they sound when their coffee description is longer than Snoop Dogg's rap sheet. In my opinion, the world would be better off if the Starbucks Snobs would just wake up and smell the coffee -- the plain old black kind.
Comments (10)
those people kill me. they take too long to order. i like it simple.
Posted by Kristin Zemke | October 16, 2007 8:47 PM
Posted on October 16, 2007 20:47
I personally support the "Starbucks Snobs," they are quite entertaining and the bizarreness of their orders make me laugh. It is the essence of Starbucks that makes it different than Dunkin Donuts (the fact that you can make extraordinary concotions without even the slightest sense of surprise on the face of the cashier behind the counter... maybe it's New York... maybe it's a bit high-maintenance, but regardless I love it and they should have a competition denoting the most absurd "Starbucks Snob!"
Posted by Vera Hendrix | October 16, 2007 10:07 PM
Posted on October 16, 2007 22:07
P.S. I forgot to mention that I love your columns, you are an excellent writer, and quite the comedian. Please keep the laughter coming Kyle! Love it.
Posted by Vera Hendrix | October 17, 2007 2:57 AM
Posted on October 17, 2007 02:57
Haha. I love this :)
However, I can't relate. Where I'm from, Starbucks has not yet invaded, so I'm clueless when it comes to Starbucks. And I'm not too fond of the place either. I'll buy a drink from Starbucks, but I generally try to avoid the place.
Posted by Henry Chan | October 17, 2007 5:02 PM
Posted on October 17, 2007 17:02
Oh Henry...consider yourself lucky. I long for the good old days when coffee houses had 4 items on the menu, including the scones.
Posted by Kyle Kozman | October 17, 2007 5:20 PM
Posted on October 17, 2007 17:20
P.S. Thank you Vera! =) And I agree, they're great if for no other reason than comic relief.
Posted by Kyle Kozman | October 17, 2007 5:26 PM
Posted on October 17, 2007 17:26
As a former barista, I encourage you to order a mocha, because there is no such thing as a mocha latte at Starbucks, and baristas will make fun of you behind your back for ordering it (or at least we did at my Starbucks).
Posted by Morgan Alcalay | October 17, 2007 9:42 PM
Posted on October 17, 2007 21:42
WHERE is the love for the tea drinkers? I am going to write an ode to tea. ")
TEA. Wonderful healthy tea.
Why does it get no love?!
Posted by jamia | October 17, 2007 10:39 PM
Posted on October 17, 2007 22:39
I'm here, Jamia!! I drink tea... occasionally. And i like the look of relief on the barista's face when i do. It's like we're almost friends for a moment...
Posted by sheila | October 18, 2007 9:29 AM
Posted on October 18, 2007 09:29
Ah yes, shiela...and than that small spark between the two of you grows into something wonderful, and next thing you know the two of you are sitting in front of the fireplace with the two kids, all four of you drinking tea. =)
Posted by Kyle Kozman | October 22, 2007 11:04 PM
Posted on October 22, 2007 23:04