Confessions of an Over-Analyzer

So anyone looking at the last entry I wrote (was it really before spring break!?) and the time stamp on this entry (3:31 am) will know this means only one thing: the end of the semester is here. Life is chaotic, to say the least, and I am not really sure where to start this entry at all…

Well, no better place to start than a good, ole-fashioned rant! I swear if one more person tells me how “close” I am to graduation I am going to completely decompensate. Sure, the days may be flying by, but there is a monumental amount of work standing between me and that diploma. So if I can manage to write finals for policy and my integrative seminar, prepare for a policy debate, take my research exam, finish my independent study paper for publication, AND terminate with my clients by May 1st--then maybe I will be close to graduation.

To be honest though, it isn’t even the school work that is causing my stress level to skyrocket. After all, I have been writing finals and taking exams for years, and I have always felt at least slightly in control. No, it’s the job search that is distressing me so. No matter how many times I try to convince myself that everything will work out in the end, it just freaks me out beyond belief that I have no clue what I am doing come May. Seriously, it is keeping me up at night.

And, because I over-analyze everything in life, the job search is bringing up a whole new set of issues that I never saw coming. Each time my applications are not responded to or I am rejected from a job, my self esteem takes another hit. Every time my phone shows a telephone number I don’t know or signals that I got an email, my hopes go through the roof that someone is contacting me about a job. Needless to say, the last few weeks have been full of disappointment. I guess I never realized how much I am used to getting what I want. I don’t mean that I am spoiled-- I mean that I am determined. I am used to putting my mind to something and not giving up until I have succeeded; it is how I have gotten as far as I am today. But that stubborn ambition means nothing in the job search, there is only so much I can do. And right now, spending HOURS on each cover letter is driving me insane.

Wow! My rant just went on a very long time. I guess my mind has been going a mile a minute lately and my blog has to catch up. I want to write about termination in my next entry, but it is 3:30 am and I am going to sleep (hopefully).

Goodnight faithful readers, sweet dreams!

So first of all, mad props to Shane for her awesome comment on my last entry. She was wonderfully articulate—I think I will steal her line (“you need to put social into the process as well as the product”) from now on. Amazing!

On to the next topic for me to over-analyze into exhaustion...

Lately, I have really been struggling with the whole micro vs. macro level work argument. When I first matriculated as a social work student four years ago, I had high hopes of totally reforming the healthcare industry. I dreamed of health as a human right…of bringing social epidemiology to the forefront of everyone’s mind…of educating the world on the physical health impacts of mental health and the social-environment.

And I still feel passionately about this…maybe even more so now that I am more educated on a lot of these issues. This drive to create macro-level change led me to social entrepreneurship and social innovation and motivated me to participate in incredibly rewarding and invigorating policy work. I know there are amazing opportunities out there to address the intractable social problems we face, and I feel like I have the potential to play a part in this process.

But for all this enthusiasm, I am equally as infatuated with counseling and psychotherapy. I am proud to call myself a therapist. I love clinical work with individuals. I love the way the mind works. I love the intimacy, the relationships, the amazing ‘ah-ha!’moments. I love analyzing, empathizing, and appreciating the uniqueness of each client. I define myself by this incredible work.

So this is how it feels: if I work on a macro-level, in policy or ‘social entrepreneurship’, I will constantly be longing for the human connections of individual therapy. If I work on a micro-level, as a clinician, I will feel like I am squandering my potential to make major change in this world.

This crisis is really paralyzing me at the moment, so I welcome any advice I can get...

I spent this past weekend in New Haven for my first official weekend as a StartingBloc Fellow. The StartingBloc Institute in Social Innovation is a two-month program anchored by two weekend conferences. The program includes a “social innovation competition,” as well as workshops and lectures on corporate social responsibility, social entrepreneurship, cross sector partnerships, and sustainability from leading academics, innovators, social entrepreneurs, activists and government officials.

This conference came on the tail end of weeks of intense conversation amongst NYU Reynolds Scholars and Fellows about where exactly social justice fits into social entrepreneurship. For those of you who don’t follow my blog religiously, social entrepreneurship is a concept that promotes innovative, sustainable, and scalable solutions for the intractable social problems we face today.

At StartingBloc, we spoke in-depth about the “triple bottom line” company; that is a company that (1) makes a profit, (2) is socially responsible/provides a social good, and (3) is eco-friendly. Most of my education in social entrepreneurship has been based on the idea that the triple bottom line is the best way to make change in this world.

The thing about the definition of social entrepreneurship--or at least the examples of social entrepreneurship I am familiar with--is that it often involves on “lone wolf” (their words, not mine) that develops and implements their idea. I don’t know about you--but that seems pretty top-down to me!

So I am struggling with two essential questions:

Is social entrepreneurship, by nature, oppressive to vulnerable populations?
Can social entrepreneurship be a tool for empowerment?

I became interested in social entrepreneurship because I wanted to make a difference in this world, and I believed that the only way that could happen was through cross-sector partnerships and a meta-professional approach. Yet I wrestle with the fundamental power differential that has been looming over my social entrepreneurship education so far…and I wonder just where the “social” has gone from its definition.

I think it comes down to this--there is a great divide between those who are out to make a profit, while also “doing good,” and those who are out to create meaningful social change by using different (business) strategies. We have to figure out, no matter how many "bottom-lines" we want, what is the most important. For me, promoting social justice has to come first.

I was raised to view pretty much all goods and services from a lens of consumerism. There are producers and consumers. Anyone can fit into these two categories at different times. Basically, I was taught that all problems can be reduced to economics.

This isn't always true. I know. But it is how I was raised.

This has often made me very self-righteous--given the whole “customer is always right” mentality. But I also think it makes me more accountable as a social worker, given that my “product” isn’t always quantifiable or held to the same standards as something with a lifetime “warranty.” After all, I can’t exactly assure a client they will never feel sad again--or their money back, guaranteed.

Last semester, in my affecting social change class, we looked at the institution of the University, and I asked myself these questions many times:

What does the “University”, as a producer of education, owe to its consumers, the students?

What is NYU’s product? And why do we choose to buy it?

This post comes in response to Take Back NYU’s recent occupation of the Kimmel Marketplace. TBNYU’s demands include:

•Public release of NYU’s annual operating budget, including a full list of university expenditures, salaries for all employees compensated on a semester or annual basis, funds allocated for staff wages, contracts to non-university organizations for university construction and services, financial aid data for each college, and money allocated to each college, department, and administrative unit of the university.
•Disclosure of NYU’s endowment holdings, investment strategy, projected endowment growth, and persons, corporations and firms involved in the investment of the university’s endowment funds.
•That NYU signs a contract guaranteeing fair labor practices for all NYU employees at home and abroad.
•The establishment of a student elected Socially Responsible Finance Committee. That the first two orders of business of the Socially Responsible Finance committee will be: a) An in depth investigation of all investments in war and genocide profiteers, as well as companies profiting from the occupation of Palestinian territories. b) A reassessment of the recently lifted of the ban on Coca Cola products.
•That annual scholarships be provided for thirteen Palestinian students, starting with the 2009/2010 academic year. These scholarships will include funding for books, housing, meals and travel expenses.
•That the university donate all excess supplies and materials in an effort to rebuild the University of Gaza.
•Tuition stabilization for all students, beginning with the class of 2012. All students will pay their initial tuition rate throughout the course of their education at New York University.
•That the general public have access to Bobst Library.

So what does NYU owe its students?

My dad would say: education, safety, and an edge above other college graduates.

I agree. And since I believe in transparency for all businesses/organizations/governmental agencies, I will agree with that as well.

So where do we go from there? Last night I went to a panel discussion on Corporate Social Responsibility put on by the Reynold’s Program in Social Entrepreneurship. Two crucial take-away messages were:

1)Businesses become socially responsible when consumers demand it through their purchasing patterns.
2)Businesses support causes that fit their brand and their consumer demographic.

This being said, if we demand social responsibility from our University (and I am going to go ahead and compare it to a business for this purpose) then we need to prove to them that prospective students are turning down NYU to go to more socially responsible institutions of higher education. And we need to come together as students and decide on what cause is really important to us.

As a student, I can tell you that all of NYU’s ‘consumers’ are not united behind all of these demands.

I am not sure how I feel about TBNYU’s occupation of Kimmel. I don’t denounce it completely, because I believe in the power of dissent. But I don't support it either.

I would like to hear your thoughts....

Give Back, NYU

As many of you know, I am the student liaison for the Department Chairs Committee at NYU Silver School of Social Work. Last week, the Chairs Committee and the Curriculum Committee came together to discuss some of the trends that are emerging within the school of social work.

Among these trends, was the noticeable move towards ‘specializations’ that has occurred in the last few years. This is seen through specialized field learning opportunities like the Integrated Geriatric Mental Health Program, the Policy-Practice Program, the Zelda Foster studies in Palliative Care, and more. It appears that students want a more specific course of study within their chosen area of social work.

But what does that mean for the future of the NYU Silver School of Social Work? Should we have specialized programs that all students enroll in, thus making us more “marketable” in certain fields? Or is it better to have a broader education so we are not locked into a certain type of work? What if you are a student who is not sure what you want to do, where does that leave you?

As it stands now, all students can mold their course selection to create a “focus” of sorts, but there are not an abundance of formal specialized programs. I would really like to hear what other students have to say about this topic before our next meeting on February 23rd.

Sorry for not updating (again)…I have been really sick (again). Those who follow my blog will know this isn’t something new. I’m always sick, and it is really starting to get old. I know what you clinicians are thinking…some sort of somatoform or factitious disorder...alas, I wish; but in the last two years I have had shingles, mono, two bouts of pneumonia, and quite a few “common colds.” Thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, however, I am alive and able to update you on the exciting adventures of my life.

Other than the insignificant issue of my health, things seem to be going quite well. Classes started up last week. I am taking Advanced Social Policy (Gerontology), Social Work Research II, and my Integrative Practice Seminar. I am also doing an independent study, which I think (I am still forming it in my head) is going to be on the application of consumer-based healthcare to chronically mentally-ill older people. I am very excited about it—as long as I ignore the sense of impending doom that comes with the pressure of having to write a publishable paper! Right now I am pretty much encompassed by thoughts of “oh my god why didn’t I just take a mini-course!” But I really love the topic and I think it will work out in the end.

I like my policy class a lot. I have always been fascinated by policy and now I get to combine that with my interest in the elderly…but I am concerned that I am going to be “that girl”—you know, the one who has too many personal stories about a topic and thinks she knows it all; the obnoxious one with her hand in the air all the time. [In fact, I am “that girl” in most of my classes]. Regardless, I am really looking forward to this course.

There isn’t much to say about research. Unlike most of my fellow students, I don’t really have a problem with research. There are times when I get overwhelmed by the many intricacies of the subject—but in general I am a fan of research and I know how vital it is to our work in the field.

As for my Integrative Practice Seminar….well, forgive my imagery, but it is my womb. It is such a secure and welcoming class; I am not sure how I am going to function as a real Social Worker without those people and that safe space. Oh yea—and the education that goes on is amazing as well.

Now for the field update. I don’t really talk about my field work that much in here because it is hard to put what I do into words. Sure I can talk about running groups or speaking to clients—but it just doesn’t seem to do the work justice. That being said, I am really excited about a new reminiscence group I am running called “Remember the Time.” The residents and I look back on different people/events/things in history and they discuss their different memories related to those topics. So far we have discussed Elvis Presley, the Civil Rights Movement, and various American Presidents (topics are chosen by what happened each week in history). I am really excited because next week we are going to discuss games and toys that the residents played with growing up (in honor of the anniversary of Barbie’s release). I bought yo-yos and bubbles to give out, we are going to play jax and marbles, and their may even be an appearance of silly putty or a slinky! All of those were developed in the 1920s, 30s, and 40s—when my residents were children. I hope they all have fun.

Okay what else can I tell you about life since I last updated? I went to the Silver Ball last Saturday but I was really sick and had to leave early. But props to the Graduate Student Association for all the work they did, it turned out beautifully. I went to dinner with Chuck D (as in the founder of Public Enemy) for the Reynolds Program. He said some really poignant things about race and culture in our country. If you ever have the chance to read his books or hear him speak, I recommend it. I also started my internship at the Geriatric Mental Health Alliance—but that will have to wait for another entry, because this one is long enough already.

Thanks for reading!

Brace yourself readers, because you are about to hear the cold, hard, truth. I am not sorry to have left you hanging these last few weeks…in fact; I don’t think I have been this happy in a long time. So what have I been doing while you devoted followers have been anxiously refreshing your screen to see if I have updated my blog? Well, besides catching up on sleep, breaking hackneyed New Years resolutions, and watching House marathons on USA…not much.

But there have been some exciting moments worth blogging about these past few weeks. Last weekend, Jon and I stole away to Boston for his Christmas gift. We toured the Sam Adams brewery, sat front row at the Sabres vs. Bruins hockey game, walked the freedom trail, and enjoyed a few romantic, albeit overly filling, meals. It was exactly how I imagined it…and a gift I will never be able to top next year!

I also had time to catch up on some of the work I had ignored all semester. I met with the Executive Director of Docs for Tots, Dina Lieser, and we discussed all the incredible things the organization has accomplished since I left in September [See: "How I Spent My Summer Vacation"]. She asked, and I eagerly agreed, that I be a member of their consultant board for Project Practice Transformation. Basically I am assisting in an initiative to bring social-emotional development and mental health to the forefront of children’s health care. I love that Dr. Lieser and I are so mutually passionate about this topic. Sitting with her is in and of itself an out of this world experience.

In an attempt to keep this productive streak going, I met last night with my friend Joe (from the Reynolds program) to put the final touches on a research paper and course proposal we worked on together last semester. Because we were both deeply moved by the human service work we did in college, especially in conjunction with classroom learning and reflection, we did a literature review on service-learning, surveyed students about their feelings on service-learning, and developed curriculum for [required] service-learning courses at NYU. This project began as part of the final examination for the “Creating Social Change” class we took last semester and had blossomed from there. Hopefully there will be fruits of our labor to discuss in a future entry.

And in between all that catching up on work, I read some amazing books that I highly recommend to anyone interested in mental health. Two in particular were especially haunting, the Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks and Divided Minds by Pamela Spiro Wagner and Carolyn Spiro, MD. These beautiful memoirs opened my eyes to many of the assumptions I held about mental illness, particularly schizophrenia. These past few months as I have been working with the severely mentally ill, I have had a “me” and “them” mentality. The truth is, however, that the line between those that are mentally “healthy” and those that are mentally “ill” is fluid--not nearly as neat and unwavering as I had imagined it to be. And, even more poignant, were the authors’ descriptions of their psychotic thoughts and their hospitalizations. I guess I always assumed that when a person was floridly psychotic, they lost touch with their “real self.” But Saks and Wagner showed me that the ‘person’ is very much present, even when displaying acute psychosis, and that how they are treated in that state is traumatic, to say the least.

I also read the Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling . It was no Harry Potter.

But this break hasn’t been all about kicking up my heels and munching on bon-bons. I also started the dreaded job search [cue horror movie music]. Last year when Jon was freaking out about jobs I thought he was overreacting…but oh my god is it stressful. It seems as though no one wants an entry level social worker, especially one who is interested in geriatric mental health. And beyond that, I am realizing more and more each day that I want to work in a crisis intervention setting--something I have not seen posted on any job search website. Add to that the anxiety of timelines (when do I apply if I want to start working in June?), the fact that my housing ends in mid-May, and the deteriorating economy that I am graduating into…and well, I am (to say the least) slightly uneasy.

I guess that is enough writing for today--I have to go do laundry. Look forward to these topics in the near future: my new reminiscence group in field, my independent study on health care decision making for elderly with mentally illness, and….and more of the same stressed-out babbling!

You know those commercials, the Verizon ones where they talk about it being a “deadzone” in certain areas? This blogger page is totally a deadzone. Blame it on finals, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, or the ‘got-to-dos’ of the holidays, or something, but I am just not feeling the energy here these past two weeks.

So I have decided to make this an entry of EPIC PROPORTIONS. Well maybe not, because truth be told my finals are in and I am in the mood to be lazy. But I will do my best nonetheless.

Let’s begin by talking about finals. I don’t ever remember being this stressed over finals in undergrad. Perhaps it is because, this year, four of my finals were due within 24 hours of each other. And I don’t ever remember putting this much work into my finals. Actually, that is a blatant lie. The truth is that I put so much work into my Individuals and Families final, that I was careless on my other finals. But something came over me when I was writing for I & F…something that has never happened before…I got so passionate, so fascinated with the information I was reading, processing, and writing, that I didn’t know what to do with all of my ideas. Suddenly EVERYTHING I read in my sources was relevant. Do you know how stressful that is??? I learned something last week…you are better off knowing nothing about a topic, then wanting to present so much knowledge and not having the time or energy to do so! (Actually that probably isn’t true, but it felt that way).

I think I put forth a decent effort on my Human Behavior III final. Although I found the assignment—which included writing about the etiology of personality disorders—to be a challenging one. I mean, the struggle with personality disorders in general is that their etiology is complex and entangled, right? I really grappled with how to separate etiology from familial patterns from psychosocial factors. I am left crossing my fingers and hoping that I answered all the questions!

My Clinical Practice with Groups final turned out miserably. It was the last paper I wrote and I definitely could have done better. But I can’t dwell on it now so I will report back when grades are posted!

Okay. Lunch is over and I have to get back to work. Epic Entry Part II to come.

5:55 pm: Get home from Field Work, feeling like I am starting to get sick, start dinner for Jon and me.

6:20 pm: Begin to cry while preparing brussel sprouts for seemingly no reason.

6:25 pm: Psychoanalyzing what has made me cry into the brussel sprouts. Perhaps the vegetable brings up a unconscious conflict from my past?

7:00 pm: Really feeling sick. Lay down for a few minutes.

7:15 pm: Begin to bake 4 dozen Christmas cookies for my “Winter Wonderland” group at field tomorrow.

8:30 pm: Christmas cookies cooling, try to read articles necessary for the final papers due next week.

8:31 pm: Pass out on top of a strew of articles--get highlighter all over my face.

1:22 am: Wake up with my body on fire and my throat swollen. Start to panic about field the next day.

3:30 am: Take temperature. 102 degrees. Now I am really freaking out about field--what about “Winter Wonderland”? Maybe I can go in for a few hours in the morning. Start to wonder if my clients will get sick if they eat the cookies I made while sick.

5:45 am: NYU 26th Street dorm is evacuated because of a (false alarm) fire.

7:30 am: After almost two hours standing outside, I am allowed back into the building.

7:45 am: Call in sick to field.

8:00 PM: Finally wake up from fitful fever sleep. Take shower. Try to work on finals.

11:02 pm: Can’t absorb anything I read. Can’t produce any writing. Update blog instead.

I think that about says it all.