There's this feeling I've been having. It feels kind of like a dream - one where you're stuck in quicksand that you can't get out of. And its name is graduation. I have so much to do that I couldn't think of anything to do except make endless to-do lists. If that sounds insane to you, then I suspect you're not being honest. We all go through these times in our lives whether it's graduation, marriage or whatever when there's just an overwhelming amount of THINGS to get done. I happen to be one of those people who doesn't function very well under those circumstances. Often, I just shut down and watch TV. This week I've become an internet addict while occasionally glancing at my looming list of must-do's.
For starters, there's final projects. I have to do a thesis of sorts which talks about my dual degree program and reflects on my experiences here at NYU. I talked to a friend who told me that he just threw some stuff together last minute, but I hate doing that. See, I always set really high expectations on myself. Like, I MUST write something amazing. I can never just skate through an assignment or paper. I must be some sort of masochist or something. I also have this crazy project due in Experimental Theatre that's taking up all of my thinking time. I honestly think it's going to bomb and I'm going to end up having to write a paper. For that reason, I don't want to describe the project idea here...just in case it never exists.
Of course, there's also the stress of looking for a JOB. My first teaching job. I have put a lot of expectations on this first job, too. I want it to be perfect because I really don't want to bounce from school to school. However, people tell me that I'm being too hard on myself. I just laugh when people say that. They have no idea.
With all this complaining, I have to say that I'm a reluctant optimist. I know that things will work out OK for me. I'll get a teaching job and it'll probably be a good one. I know I'm a good teacher and I have an A+ education to back it up. But right now, I'm in the trenches and wishing for a time-machine so I could jump in and just head straight for day one of Fall '08. I'm ready.