Interesting Times

I tend to feel uncomfortable with beginnings and newness. My inclination with this blog is to avoid the beginning, to not give an introduction and to start in media res. I want to do this, because I believe I am more myself after the beginning is over and because I have written three beginning blog posts and none of them have my voice. I continue to write new beginning posts (and this being my fourth), because I was urged by the school to introduce myself and what I want this blog to be. If I didn't have this urging, I would have skipped it long ago.

When I see beginnings, especially looking back to last year, my first year of social work school, I think of immense insecurity. My concerns are mostly narcissistic: I want to be liked, admired and to feel a senses of self worth and purpose. I was terrified to start school last year because I was scared of appearing socially inept and all around stupid. I think many other people had these same fears, because for most of the first semester, many people in my classes, including myself, seemed intent on letting other people know that they were intelligent, and popular, and that they had valuable, enriching life experiences. We wanted to let everyone else know we were worth something. I found this part of my first year experience infuriating, and I was much relieved when second semester started and everything felt much more comfortable.

I have the same concerns with this blog that I had starting school last year. I fear writing poorly; appearing stupid and unworthy of even having a public opinion. My first three blog posts did not address this fear but reek of effort, as I tried to write as sophisticatedly as possible, losing my own voice. They were written to convince others of my worth. That's not what I want to do.

I want this blog to be an emotionally honest portrayal and critique of my experiences.

I am Daniel, a second year social work student in NYU's two year MSW program.

I grew up in a small town in the North East Kingdom of Vermont, where rugged individualism rules, but community camaraderie is highly valued. I consider myself to be a displaced Vermonter in all respects, and I have near endless pride and disgust in my home state.

I decided I would attend school for an MSW during the summer of 2004 after completing a summer job at a residential treatment program for seriously emotionally disturbed children. Unfortunately, I didn't get around to applying until Winter of 2007/2008. I had gotten distracted by moving to San Diego and living by the beach, and then moving to Humboldt County, California and taking care of ducks. I can be quite the hippie.

I have worked numerous jobs in the social services with adults, children and adolescents and have learned that my passion lies in severe mental illness (really just one of many passions, but my main one right now). Schizophrenia fascinates me, and the stories of people who have dealt with it and are dealing with it also fascinate me.

Other than social work, I enjoy taking care of farm animals, growing gardens, brewing beer, alliteration, folk music and pining for a home in the country. I don't enjoy massive agricultural business, high rent, boxing people in, and ending phrases with a preposition.

About a month ago I received an email asking for volunteers to sit on a panel during this years orientation for new students. I found myself enthused with the idea of sitting on this panel and so I volunteered. Now that orientation day nears, I'm feeling a deep fear and I'm trying to remind myself why I volunteered for this panel.

My fear comes from speaking in front of hundreds of people. I struggle to speak in front of my classmates, and even my friends at times and my negative self-talk says, "Daniel, you're going to mumble, stumble through sentences, lose your train of thought... and everyone will see your bad posture." And all of these things are scary, because I don't want to humiliate myself; it's one of my least favorite things.

So to combat my negative self-talk, I must remind myself of the value in this experience and of the past successes I've had speaking in front of groups. During mid-year evaluations at my placement last year (the wonderful MFY Legal Services), my supervisor told me that public speaking was one thing I needed to work on the most. Shortly thereafter, my practice professor told our class that we could choose to present our midterms instead of writing a paper.

After deliberating for weeks, I finally decided I would present my midterm in order to get out of my comfort zone and practice public speaking. I knew then and still know now that I cannot get better unless I take the opportunity to practice, and this past opportunity improved my self confidence. I was terrified throughout the whole presentation, yet still completed it in a nearly organized manner. I left my comfort zone, and made the unknown a little more known to myself.

Without embracing the world outside of my comfort zone I cannot learn and I cannot change. I value learning and personal improvement as two of the most important parts of existence (how classical of me), and the experience of sitting on this panel can do nothing but help me learn about myself and help me facilitate a change towards being a better public speaker... I hope.